that great sinking feeling

I’m just sick and tired of how immature most people are. I have been suffering from a condition the past few years and whenever I try to discuss it with my friends or relatives all I get are snide comments and laughter behind my back. After seeing firsthand the discrimination and hostility that people suffering AIDS and leprosy have endured you’d think that people would finally wake up and accept everyone no matter what their ailment. But no. Not my friends.

Here it is. The truth. I have AFBS… Acute Fecal Buoyancy Syndrome. Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up! I don’t mean to exaggerate but my shit don’t sink. I swear, you’d think I was some weird Asian mammal that lives entirely on bamboo and cork. I poop. I flush. It doesn’t go down. I put toilet paper over it and try again. It doesn’t go down. I use a star-shaped pattern of toilet paper to weigh it down, flush… and then, like some heroic Disney character, it fights its way back up and comes bobbing back into view. Mobsters have an easier time getting rid of corpses in the East River than I do finishing my business in the john.

Of course I went to all the doctors and heard all the same advice. Apparently buoyant dumps are a healthy sign and show a good diet. Super! Put me down for 5 fucking Happy Meals then! No change. I eat like shit and I still shit like shit. I can’t even take a crap at a friend’s house anymore. I’ll use half a damn roll trying to weigh it down. I’ll stand there for 5 fucking minutes after I’ve flushed Poopankhamun and I’ll flush again and then once more to be safe. I’ll walk out convinced everything is ok and then 5 minutes later someone will walk in and scream “Ah fuck! Who left the floater?!” Soon, after some careful group deduction, all eyes will fall on me. Nobody gives a crap, excuse the pun, about my AFBS then. Parties are even worse let me tell you.

As usual, I turn to science when the medical community has failed me. Perhaps I am coming at the problem wrong by worrying about diet. Now let’s see… the physics, buoyancy is the upward force on an object produced by the surrounding fluid in which it is fully or partially immersed, due to the pressure difference of the fluid between the top and bottom of the object. The net upward buoyancy force is equal to the magnitude of the weight of fluid displaced by the body. This force enables the object to float. Hmmmm… so then the buoyancy of an object depends, therefore, only on two factors: the object’s submerged volume, and, the density of the surrounding fluid. Thus the magnitude of the buoyant force is simply equal to the weight of the displaced fluid.

Aha! Hopefully all of you (who are still retarded enough to actually still be reading this) know where I’m going. The answer was right there all along!

AFBS demands that, because of Archimedes’ principle (or the law of upthrust), all toilets in the US and abroad should really stop using water. It’s only fair. Last week I switched out my entire septic system to use maple syrup instead of water and it only cost me $8,500. Granted it takes 45 minutes to flush but I can’t tell you how nice it is to squat over a toilet bowl full of syrup and smell that sweet maple scent in the morning! It’s like I’m taking a crap on my boyhood kitchen table as we all ate pancakes. Now if only I can solve the bee infestation problem.

Anyway… support AFBS research. Wear a brown ribbon at social events and call your plumber and tell him you’d like to go with the syrup option. I did.