the amazing spider man
(from Merciful Flush)
So earlier tonight I’m hurrying around doing all the things that need to get done before a big storm, the last of which is to run the recyclables out to the garbage can. It had to get done because dark clouds sat on the horizon like a fat girl coming out of a donut shop (what?) and all the local weather stations had pretty much put the chance of precipitation at 108%. As I hurled my empties into the can my eye couldn’t help but be drawn to a spider. Not just any spider but a great whopping argiope aurantia better known as the Golden Garden Spider and one of three local species of argiope orb weavers.
As I watched I realized he was just starting the tedious task of building his web for the night. The ol’ spinneret was cranking out proteinaceous silk like nobodies business and those 8 arms were feverishly at work putting up the insect-catching structure. Problem was, the spider was building the web in between 2 garbage cans out in the open and it was about to rain. The spider was not only wasting time & energy but possibly endangering itself in the process. I did what any normal person would do when faced with this situation. I drew my face in close to the busy little araneidae and screamed “it’s gonna rain dumbshit!”.
The little fucktard kept working. Now normally I am quick to anger at the smallest of nature’s creatures but for some reason cooler heads prevailed and I began to try to reason with it.
“Listen, you may think you’re the shit with your silk being stronger than steel of the same thickness and all but you don’t know dick about the weather.”
The spider was immune to the effect of my logic. What was worse was that it had not started to rain yet so in some strange way I felt like the spider was winning the argument.
“We have technology spider! I know it’s going to rain. 8 legs or not you’re going down!”
I was forced to slump down and await the rains that would bring my inevitable victory. I started to get a little antsy. This spider was hauling ass and would soon be done. The seconds turned to minutes and then the minutes turned to tens of minutes and still no rain. If anything the winds that were making the web-building process so difficult for our spider were letting up.
Apparently the flies and beetles in my local area had also missed the forecast for the evening because soon the air was buzzing with activity. No sooner was I waving my hands in front of my face to keep from inhaling one of the various flying pests then I glanced down to find my spider nemesis was sitting in the middle of his finished web. I looked down at my watch. Had I really been crouched down between my garbage cans for 45 minutes?! Suddenly I had the feeling I was being watched. Sure enough, after inspecting his cephalothorax, I found myself staring right into the 8 cold eyes of my yellow and black archenemy. “Why do you even need 8 eyes? People have 2 and we’re doing just fine don’t you think?”
He continued to mock me. Sitting there in his web. “So this is what we’re doing tonight is it, you and me?” I sat down and got comfortable. “You know this is only for the night right? In the morning I’m spraying this whole fucking driveway with Raid. Every inch.”
In slow motion I saw the moth fly by my face in a wild zig-zag and then head straight into the web. “Nooooooo…”
“What the fuck kind of flying is that? Do you even know where you want to go or do you just fucking careen around aimlessly until you end up eaten?”
The moth fluttered briefly in the web but he was caught. The spider, seemingly without a care in the world, slowly made his way down the web to his captured prey.
“Not tonight Sunshine!” Quickly I reached into the web and plucked the moth out of it. “That’s right Mr. 8 Eyed Weather Diviner, no dinner for you.”
I tried to release it but the moth was stuck to my fingers. It still had webbing all over and try as I might I couldn’t get the shit off of it. No use saving it only to leave it unable to fly and an easy snack for the ants. “Fuck!” Off came a wing in my hand. “Shit. This is no way to build an insect.”
Again I felt the 8 eyes upon me.
“You win, you win! Ok?” I tried to flick the formerly-saved but now not-so-successfully- rescued moth back into the web but I couldn’t get his sticky ass off my finger. White powdery shit started to get all over my hands. Finally I was able to brush him off into the web. He didn’t struggle. He just lay there suspended between the garbage cans. The spider didn’t move. Is it possible to motionlessly express disdain?
“Go eat him bitch!”
But the spider contemptuously just sat there.
The white dot in the web twinkled like an out-of-place star against the black driveway. As it was the only one out I almost made a wish on the squished lepidoptera but instead I turned and, after telling the spider that I hoped he was happy, I went to go back inside.
That’s when the skies opened up.
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