The Aristocats

It was bad enough when Modern English allowed Burger King to use their song I Melt With You to promote their fast food but now they’ve gone and allowed Hershey’s to not only use the song to pimp chocolate but permitted some horrible elevator musicians to record a new hideous version and completely ruin it forever. That song use to be my favorite song of all time and now I have to listen to it being dragged through the foul lengths and breadths of the cesspool that is consumerism.

(For this next part I’d like to ask that you replace the sound of your own voice in your inner narrative with that of Gilbert Gottfried. If you don’t know who Gilbert is, he was the voice of the Aflac duck until he made the brilliant career move of making fun of the Japanese dead after their big tsunami.)

I swear whenever the commercial comes on I feel like I’m strapped down on a table with my mouth wired in such a way that the large jungle cat that strolls into the room can easily slam his large jungle cat dick right in my mouth and as he starts to fuck my face 2 small house cats come in and they each slide their tiny peckers under my eyelids and I have to feel their little cat boners rubbing against my eyeballs as they hump my skull. Then suddenly I feel my legs being pulled up and apart as another large jungle cat makes his way into the room and starts to fuck my ass, the only lubricant being the puss from his gonorrhea-ridden jungle cat cock as the pustules  rupture due to the intense friction of his pounding my tight anus with his aforementioned enormous gonorrhea-ridden jungle cat cock. This anal rape momentarily distracting me from the fact that a bobcat with larger-than-average claws has started to use my own dick as a scratching post and a what I can only assume is a close relative starts to do their best to rip my balls off with their razor-sharp teeth.

You’ve seen the difference and it’s getting better all the time…

Almost but not quite unnoticed during this is are the 2 Persians who have started to piss in each of my ears and their buddy the Siamese who is taking a wet stringy dump and doing his best to push each clump of dump  up into my nasal cavity. This combined with the jungle cat cutting off my air supply with his cock in my mouth has me gasping for breath between his thrusts deep into my throat when suddenly the smell of the cat shit being shoved into my nose hits me and makes me start to vomit all over myself. It’s at this point in time that the tiger fucking my ass pauses to slip on a condom that has been coated in glue and broken glass shards. Without delay he returns to the act of violating me, this time with blood fountaining out of my shredded asshole with every  momentary retreat from the depths of my colon.

You’ve seen the difference and it’s getting better all the time…

Then it happens that the cats humping my eye sockets take a moment to dip their knobs in Tabasco sauce so it gives me the chance to notice that behind every cat there is now another larger cat eating out their assholes and then behind that cat is another even larger one driving their fuckstick into the shitters of the cats eating out the asses of the first cats. Even with urine-soaked ears I can hear the haunting cacophony of screeching and purring.

You’ve seen the difference and it’s getting better all the time…

Eventually the lion who is forcing his manhood into my mouth erupts and shoots at least a gallon of hot cat semen down my throat while the tenacious puma has finally torn a hole in my sack and managed to pry out one of my testicles which he then starts to eat right in front of me. The combination of feline cum, shit and my own vomit has finally filled my windpipe enough to let me slide off blissfully into unconsciousness. Before I am completely out though I wonder briefly why each of these furry assailants has a collar on with a tag that has a large A on it and then it dawns on me.

Of course, they are The Aristocats.