the audition (from August 15, 2018)

Hollywood is known as the place that eats people up and spits them out. The town is littered with stories of naive actors and actresses arriving full of fire only to slink back to where they came, their dreams battered and their spirits broken.

And the ones that ‘make it’? More often than not they end up disillusioned. Things are never as good as they expect and eventually, tired and cynical, the wolves bring them down as well.

But it doesn’t stop people from coming. Every day the bus stations, train stations and airports deliver another group of wide-eyed optimists, each eager to throw themselves into the fray.

The point?

I can hear you fidgeting. You’ve heard all that stuff a million times before and you’re worried that you’ve once again been lured into a story that begins by restating the obvious and then asks the reader to make some gigantic leap to connect glamorous Hollywood with a far less sexy topic.

Like computer programming.

Or baking.

Let me just stop you here. I had no such intentions. I was going to talk about how recently I auditioned for the part of a lifetime but to do so now would seem to be a slap in the face of the fine men and women who makes up the computer programming and baking industries. Where would we be without computers and bread? I’m literally typing on a computer right this moment and any minute now I plan on going downstairs to make myself a sandwich.

So who’s laughing now?

Certainly not you. Forgive me if I forget sometimes that the point of these little yarns is to amuse you. I get a little full of myself. It’s all about you from here on in.

The big audition?

Well… if you insist.

I’m older than most that audition. Honestly I should have known better. Hollywood is for the pretty people, but I swear I thought this movie would be different.

It seemed to cry out for the quirky and sincere. The part needed real longing, not anyone could pull off the role. I saw myself being wonderful.

The worst part is that I was called back numerous times. Hollywood knew what it would be getting. I was probed from bow to stern. Or aft. Whichever is at the opposite end of the boat. Getting probed from the bow to another word for bow wouldn’t really drive home the point I am trying to make. Anyway, I left it all on the field and I still didn’t get the part.

Although you would have no way of knowing, I stopped briefly after typing that and got myself a sandwich. As I spread the jelly, strawberry… always strawberry, and debated again the whole stern/aft issue, I wondered how honest I should be in continuing. What, if anything, I owed you.

I already shared with you quirky and real yearning, how much can you possible expect in under a thousand words?

“A point?” you ask.

Have you ever read anything else I’ve written?! Always with the “I want a point.” Change the record for fuck’s sake.

Ok, here goes; Movies are all around us. Movies are in our head. The passion. The poignancy. The…

Although you would have no way of knowing I just dripped a bit of jelly onto my keyboard. Particularly bad timing, I really felt a point coming on there. I guess it doesn’t matter because I didn’t get the gig and I didn’t even get to visit Hollywood if you want to know the truth (don’t worry if you don’t, nobody really does).

But, on the other hand, my keyboard is now all sticky and fucked up so I’ll have to take it down to the local computer repair store where that cute redhead works and see if she might know a casting director in the market for quirky.

My biggest problem?

I never know when to end things. That would have been a perfect pithy spot to wrap things up but I want to squeeze in one more bread reference, perhaps using a quote, even though I know it’s not the right thing to do.

“If thou tastest a crust of bread, thou tastest all the stars and all the heavens.”

– Robert Browning

See? Didn’t help the story move forward at all. Way too much clutter. To summarize the story; a terrible recap of a horrible situation.

But at least I have stones enough to write something right?

Although you would have no way of knowing it, I wanted to type a lie about Hollywood but didn’t.