the bank robber

The bank robber entered the bank, the ideal place for a bank robber to enter if they have a hankering to rob, waved his gun around a bit and announced that he had a hankering to rob.

Tellers threw their hands up in the air and customers hit the floor as if rehearsed. Another perk of robbing a bank. Running that same scenario in his head at a dry cleaners and the non-tellers through their hands up in the air. Malapropisms open the door to pandemonium. But a bank, everybody seems to know the drill.

“Ok, do as you’re told” he began, “… and nobody gets hurt” said the prone security guard.

He looked down at the disheveled man in the security uniform. “Yes. But I’ll thank you not to finish my sentences.”

The man nodded his agreement.

“Anyway…” the robber continued, somewhat flustered. “I’ll need the person with the key to the vault to accompany me there and open it up.” He looked around optimistically. After a few seconds a chubby woman in an ill-fitting dress raised her hand and began to lead him to the aforementioned.

He thanked her for cooperation and assured that if she did what she was told “Nobody will get hurt” she said.

“What is it with this bank?” he wondered to himself. “How many times has it been robbed?”

The woman led him down a narrow corridor and they disappeared from view.

A few minutes later he reemerged clutching two large, bulging duffel bags.

“Thank you for your patience everyone” be announced, “To repay you for your kindness and cooperation I would like to spend a few minutes dividing the contents of these bags and then handing out the money to everybody.”

He tossed the bags onto a counter while all around him people appeared to be in utter disbelief. He began to unload the cash into small piles while he did a quick headcount of the number of people currently occupying the bank. While not entirely accurate, soon he had a roughly-equal pile of cash for everybody.

“Ok, everybody, if you’ll line up I’d like to give you each some money” he said loudly and smiled broadly.

That’s when the lights of the bank went out and plunged the scene into darkness.

Except for a single spotlight, which shone on a lanky woman in a stylish pants suit. “Wait!” she exclaimed dramatically.

“Huh?” replied the robber, not-as-dramatically.

“I’m a lawyer” she proclaimed. As she did this the tellers all stood up as one and filed behind her.

“As a lawyer” she continued, “I can tell you that a person is guilty of theft if he or she intentionally receives, retains, or disposes of movable property of another knowing that it has been stolen, or believing that it has probably been stolen, unless the property is received, retained, or disposed with intent to restore it to the owner.” The odd thing about the pronouncement is that she didn’t just say it, she sang it. Full-throated.

The tellers behind her linked arms and began to do a series of synchronized kicks. “It’s true, we can’t take the cash” they all sang, “So says Section 3925.” And with that they began to twirl.

The lawyer began to tap dance as she belted out “As used in this section the word “receiving” means acquiring possession, control or title, or lending on the security of the property.”

“Section 3925” the tellers crooned repeatedly behind her as they all produced umbrellas and began to spin them in unison. It was quite something to see.

(I’m so sorry, I forgot to mention that this is a musical.)

Unseen cannons shot forth confetti.

The bank robber, a euphonious tenor with brilliant timbre, felt it was time to explain the reason he’d always wanted to be a modern-day Robin Hood. He cleared his throat and began.

Offstage a group of policemen waited for their entrance.