the best quotes from The Ball Washer…?

(find all of these and more in The Ball Washer)

The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.

People who are scared of things becoming unraveled are overestimating raveled.

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia is the fear of long words. What sick bastard came up with that? Imagine having to give that patient their diagnosis. “You’d better sit down for this.”

It’s not unusual for our planet to hit a low temperature of 0 or a high of 120 degrees Fahrenheit, but when my house goes below 68 my heater turns on and if it gets above 72 the air conditioner leaps into action. I have a comfort zone of four degrees. Four. Obviously this skin thing isn’t working out.

Whenever you see an old movie that has a young girl in it that later grew up to be a hottie, there is always a little confusion going on in your pants.

If I were a movie star I’m pretty sure I’d watch my own movies over and over. That’s an embarrassing thing to know about yourself.

You know that sound of a plate being dropped in a restaurant?  The loud crash and everyone swiveling their heads to see which waitress is going to be fired. Wouldn’t it be great if that was the sound girls made when they took a crap? No matter how loud the music is in the bathroom everyone in the house is going to hear it. Even when you’re watching TV with the volume up. “Oh, Beth is taking a dump again.”

You hear this advice all the time; just be yourself. Easy for them to say. Have you seen myself?

If we’re honest about it, most of our headstones would read “Didn’t fuck enough.”

Do you ever wonder if the tropical fish born in captivity sense there is something not quite right about the plastic coral reef they swim around?

How did I know that somewhere my otolaryngologist was discussing my Auricular Paresthesia with someone? My ears were burning.

Do you ever catch yourself thinking what an outstanding crazy person you’d be?

As they like to say in a five dimensional world… even a broken clock is right four times a day.

When a man spends time in prison it changes him. Especially his asshole.