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Jun
9

the greatest story ever told. not.

As nice as it is to be able to go online and buy books with a few clicks of a mouse nothing beats spending time at a book store. Just the smell of the place. Walking up and down the aisles, stumbling upon a tome you are unfamiliar with and whisking it up to the counter for purchase. Exhilarating! If you’re anything like me though there is one section you want to stay out of. A section that will ruin your night. A section that have you balling your fists and shaking them towards heaven as you cry out “Why? Why? Why?!”

The autobiographies.

I doubt there is anywhere on the planet that can have you loathing your fellow man faster than this black hole of literature. Even if you’re able to ignore the opportunist books, Obama’s aunt who feels the need to tell us about life in Kenya (“Busy day today. Sat in mud hut. Ate grub”) or Emilio Estevez believing for a few moments that because his brother is interesting that somehow that makes him interesting, there is a fresh new hell on every shelf. The balls on some of these people to think that their life story is more interesting than anyone else you might find walking down the street. Is it arrogance or just self-delusion?

Isn’t it funny how you end up fixating on something and it ends up representing everything you hate about a much broader subject? As my eyes travelled up and down the shelves, drinking in the litany of morons who felt the need to burden the poor consumer with the trials and tribulations of their vapid existence, they finally came to rest on perhaps the greatest waste of paper ever to thrust itself unwanted into my consciousness.

The Guttenberg Bible.

Not The Gutenberg Bible. The Guttenberg Bible.

The autobiography of Steve Guttenberg.

I will give you a moment to figure out who the hell Steve Guttenberg is. It should be in there somewhere, mixed in with all the other 80s and 90s actors that you’ve long ago forgotten about. I’ll give you a hint. Police Academy. No?

What about Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment? Nothing?

Police Academy 3: Back in Training?

Surely Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol will jog your memory.

The lovable Carey Mahoney, the troublemaking scalawag with a heart of gold?

Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach?

Police Academy 6: City Under Siege??

Come on. Think! Steve Guttenberg … Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow?

Ok, clearly those films aren’t helping. What about Three Men and a Baby with hunky co-stars Tom Selleck and Ted Danson? Getting warmer?

What about Three Men and a Baby 2: Their First Assignment? Nothing?

Three Men and a Baby 3: Back in Training?

Surely Three Men and a Baby 4: Citizens on Patrol will jog your memory.

The lovable Michael Kellam, the troublemaking scalawag with a heart of gold?

Three Men and a Baby 5: Assignment Miami Beach?

Three Men and a Baby 6: City Under Siege??

Come on now. Think! Steve Guttenberg … Three Men and a Baby 7: Mission to Moscow?

I think I’ve made my point. For anyone unclear as to what that might be, it is this: who the fuck is Steve Guttenberg to write an autobiography?! The dust jacket quotes weren’t even from book critics, they were from his Hollywood pals. Who gives a crap about this guy’s life? You could tell the same ten books had been there since they arrived in 2010, waiting on the shelf until their inevitable journey over to the discount table and then, finally, to the dumpster. The book is an outrage! A blight on the literary landscape.

Pretty good title though.

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