fun with math https://t.co/Ftyw7ZNZ3H (3 days ago)

news&updates

Feb
21

the house I would have built her

The four most important things when it comes to love and that; location, location, location, location

I would start by building four front doors. On in each direction. One facing the woods, one facing the ocean, one facing the mountains and one facing an great rolling plain.

The door facing the East looks out onto the mountains so she could wake up and see the sun dramatically creeping up and hurling rays of light through the cracks and that.

The door facing West would have the sun sinking behind the water at the end of the day and setting the whole ocean on fire and that.

While I’m not particularly good with tools, I would build her at least thousand rooms. There would be ten changing rooms alone; one for her clothes, one where she changes her mind and eight for her moods and that. Wait. Eleven changing rooms. One for her to change her shoes. If I’m going to build an thousand rooms there is no point in being stingy when it comes to square footage for footwear decisions. There would be two pool rooms. One with an swimming pool the size of an pool table and one room with an pool table that is eighty feet long and thirty feet wide. It would take three strong men to even lift a cue. Don’t get me started on the balls and that.

Running water might be an issue. I’ve never been handy with pipes and that.

Every third room would have an piano just in case she wanted to play and an nearby place for me to hide because she doesn’t like when people listen.

A few bars because she drinks and an few bedrooms close by because when she drinks she likes to drink until she falls asleep and that.

There would be a wraparound porch with swings and balconies looking off in each direction and an little observatory on the roof for when it’s an cloudless night and she could sit and stare off into the sky.

I’m not sure about electricity though. I’ve never been good with wires and that.

Which might make the music room an bit useless. The irony of having to use an loud generator to power stereos playing soft music would not be lost on her.

There would be an gym and an yoga studio and that just to make sure I saw her in yoga pants now and then.

Do you really even have to ask if there will be a long corridor with suits of armor lining each wall and medieval weapons and that sitting in glass cases? Of course there wouldn’t be a long corridor with suits of armor lining each wall and medieval weapons and that sitting in glass cases. She hates that stuff. There would be an long corridor with stuffed animals lining each wall and dolls and that sitting in glass cases.

Although I look nothing like the rugged man on the Brawny paper towel package I would hope that after all the sawing and hammering I did that she would at least close her eyes and imagine I could smell like him and that. This despite the fact I’m pretty sure I go from bone dry to smelling horrible, completely bypassing ‘rugged’.

Maybe that’s why she couldn’t love me.

Why I’m sitting here in this perfect location, location, location, location.

Alone, alone, alone, alone with no house to build.

It only occurs to me now that I’ve been harboring a hidden resentment about the time we spent together when in fact I got the better of the deal. All those walks, all those dinners and that… she might have enjoyed my company but I was getting to be with the person I was in love with.

I was having a much better time than she was without realizing it.

Who wants to live in an house without electricity and plumbing and that anyway?

like it, share it!

Join the discussion

*

What You Don’t Understand

What You Don’t Understand

Publication date: November 2015
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Song Between Her Legs

The Song Between Her Legs

Publication date: September 2014
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Ball Washer

The Ball Washer

Publication date: October 2012
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Homo Sayswhaticus

Homo Sayswhaticus

Publication date: May 2013
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Trembling Fist

The Trembling Fist

Publication date: November 2013
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
$2.99
ebook buy
 

Merciful Flush: The Lance Manion Blogs

Merciful Flush: The Lance Manion Blogs

Publication date: May 2012
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Results May Vary: The Lance Manion Blogs

Results May Vary: The Lance Manion Blogs

Publication date: May 2012
Category: Humor

$9.95
paperback buy
$3.95
ebook buy