the impossible sit-up

When you’re in fifth grade and the athletic kids invite you to a sleepover it’s a cause for celebration. A rare opportunity to move up in the social pecking order. An opportunity he was going to take full advantage of.

Or so he thought.

After the obligatory movies, snacks and ranking of all the girls in his grade on a scale of 1 to 10, they were not particularly kind to the girl he was ‘attached to’ at the time, Vicky “Freight Train” Froin, but before the sleeping bags were produced, it was time for the grand finale.

The big finish?

For him, the newcomer, to complete a feat of strength. An act to prove himself. To show everyone that he had the required physical capabilities to fit seamlessly into the group.

It was time for the impossible sit-up.

If you are unfamiliar with what that is, he was in the same boat. Such was his passion to join this clique though that he just went along with the instructions, which were very simple; he was to put on a blindfold and then lay flat on his back. The other members of the sleepover would then gather and hold down his shoulders as he attempted to do a sit-up, all the while shouting encouragement.

He was psyched and ready to give it his best effort.

What he was unaware of was the fact that one of the athletic kids had pulled down his pants and was crouched over his face. Apparently the idea was that he would struggle to sit up with all his might and then, on cue, all the other boys would release their grip on him and send his face hurtling into the ass of the boy crouched over him.

A troubling prospect on many levels. Looking back it only stands to reason that given the effort he was expending to sit up, his face would have rocketed into the crack of that kid at a speed of upwards of 30 mph. More than enough force to leave his nose buried at least an inch in the crouched boy’s anus.

Assuming that this wasn’t the first time this crew had pulled this particular stunt, didn’t any of them consider just how gay it was? The kid crouched over him was about to willingly have a boy’s face in his asshole. The key word in that last sentence being willingly. And nobody thought twice about it? Once?

Didn’t it bother anyone in attendance?

In retrospect it reminds the now-grown man of the scene in Lord of the Rings where the gang was in Balin’s tomb, trying to sneak through the Mines of Moria undetected, and Pippin accidentally knocks the armor into the deep dark well. They all sit terrified of the consequences as it plummets into the seemingly-endless depths, making an enormous racket the entire time. Just when they think it went unnoticed, they realize that they’ve woken up the demon Balrog and a terrible struggle ensues. Except in the case of the impossible sit-up, they risked awakening gayness.

However, in the case of this impossible sit-up, somehow just as he felt the tension on his shoulders relax, he sensed something was amiss and hit the brakes, stopping just short of the boy’s ass. It was like he had a superpower. Hercules himself couldn’t have stopped more dramatically (don’t spend too much time wondering how Hercules would have gotten himself in that situation or who would have been perched over him).

You might think that he would have preferred flight, strength or invisibility, but at that moment in time he was completely and entirely fine with finding out that his superpower was detecting man-ass near his face. No cape required. I’m not sure how helpful it might be in fighting crime, but it got him out of that sleepover without shit on his nose.

Although I don’t want you to think he left the encounter totally unscathed. He is still haunted by the image of what he saw when removed the blindfold. The Lord of the Rings folks had the burning, all-seeing Eye of Sauron, he has the burning, all-seeing Brown Eye of Joe Swanson keeping him up at night.

He sometimes wonder how Joe’s struggle with the Balrog turned out.

“None shall pass”… my ass.