The Incredible Journey in Bad Taste
(Originally posted 12/04/2012. Still no word from Disney on making this into a movie.)
What it is is a buddy story. Simple as that and if you can’t get past the fact that maybe these animals have checkered pasts then I suggest you join the folks at Disney and walk right the fuck out that front door. Maybe you can catch them and then go to lunch and discuss their next feature which will start with someone’s Mom or Dad getting killed. Apparently that’s OK but a donkey making a living having sex with people is somehow off limits.
Anyway, let me quit wasting your time and get to it.
There’s this donkey that used to work down in Tijuana in a sex show. After awhile the woman he was banging got a little long in the tooth or decided to retire or some shit like that and in those circles the moment the girl leaves the show is over. There isn’t a big retirement party for the donkey and he certainly isn’t put out to pasture, so after all those years of entertaining he finds himself out on the street.
Meanwhile, not far down the road there is this rabbit. This rabbit spends all day getting make-up applied to her eyes and shit to see if there would be an adverse reaction. She gets shit sprayed in her eyes, applied to her eyelashes and lips, the whole works. All day she’s kept in a tiny cage and the only friends she makes are the other bunnies who are going through basically the same shit. You learn not to get too attached in that place, let me tell you. Somehow she dodges getting the really shaky shit applied to her and then one day the janitor leaves her cage open for a second and she makes a break for it. Let me tell you, nothing is as fast as a rabbit motivated like this particular rabbit was motivated. She hauled her little white ass out of there on the hop.
Get it? On the hop… because she was a rabbit.
So through a series of humorous misadventures, these two end up palling around. They get to be real chums. It ain’t always easy though and I think this is what scared away those Disney suits. They got no real vision. You see, every now and then the donkey gets a real strong urge to get blown. Now most donkeys have never experienced getting blown before so it’s not usually an issue, but what is it they say about keeping them down on the farm? Once they see the city or some shit like that? Whatever the case, when you have 500-plus pounds of animal looking to get some head you can just imagine the hijinks that can go on. And they do, believe me. He ends up violating this drunk chick in the woods as the rabbit looks on disgustedly.
The thing is the rabbit doesn’t have much room to complain. You see, even after she escaped from the research lab she still insists on wearing a lot of make-up for some reason. I mean she really sluts it up. Big fucking mascaraed eyes and giant red lips, she looks like a hot mess but because of her fucked up past the donkey never wants to say anything. Of course, being a rabbit she’s fucking everything put in front of her and even the donkey thinks about giving her a go a few times but worries he’ll split her right down the middle so he abstains.
You see, it’s those kinds of conflicts which makes this story work. It’s not the usual shit you hear about. None of that The Incredible Journey shit. These are real animals with real problems and they end up working them out. Not your typical happy ending type stuff but it is what it is and anyone who’s ever worked in a sex show or had eye liner applied directly to their eyeballs will totally relate.
Now obviously it’s not all dark. There are some funny characters that pop up here and there to keep things lighthearted. Like an alcoholic raccoon that is always trying to steal things. Who can’t relate to someone in a mask always trying to jack your shit? He gets shot near the end and eaten by a crow with a stutter. Throw in a beaver with hygiene issues and a gay rooster and you have sequels that practically write themselves.
You see the problem is that today nobody wants to tackle real issues. The real shit facing animals out in the wild. If that donkey had been let go from a petting zoo those Disney bitches would be lined up to hear a story about how he overcame adversity but because he was fucking a fat Hispanic human before he got the pink slip they won’t touch him with his seemingly ten foot pole. And a rabbit with self-esteem issues making a cameo on PBS?
Not going to happen in this lifetime.
These animals are the untouchables. The shunned. The outcasts, and for the life of me I don’t see why more people don’t see themselves reflected in their muley and rabbity faces.
I know I do.
So how about it?