the myth of female orgasm

(Originally posted 6/8/2012. I have written a lot of stories that were poorly received, but none of them close to the vitriol generated by this bad boy. Enjoy!)

It’s quite simple. Nature does not allow things that serve no purpose. Every claw, every tooth and every ejaculation has some bigger role in the survival of a species. It’s with this firmly in mind that I offer the following; the female orgasm doesn’t exist. It’s a myth propagated by women to exert control over men. Let me explain.

Let’s take a trip out to the ol’ African Serengeti and take a quick poke around shall we? Lots of game animals… lots of game animals having sex. You can sit in Tanzania and watch wildebeest for as long as you wish and you will never once see a male wildebeest start flipping a female wildebeest every which way as he plants his seed, spending twenty minutes getting her ready then plowing her from every angle to make sure she has a mind-blowing experience. Hell no. If you’re a wildebeest and you want to avoid being lion food you dump and run right? Same with me. Does that make me a bad guy?

Let’s look at it from another angle. The male orgasm is what releases our sperm into the female (or onto or all over depending which porn you prefer). There is a point behind it. The so-called female orgasm doesn’t release an egg or even help the mating ritual along. It’s superfluous to act of intercourse, window dressing. Evolution wouldn’t allow it. So why would females pretend to achieve this ‘state?’ Now that’s the right question. It’s all about power over males. So many girlie-men these days are concerned about their partners ‘satisfaction.’ The women put on these elaborate shows to either reward or punish their man. They can cruelly build up to an ‘orgasm’ only to make the man feel at the last possible moment that they somehow blew it for the woman or they can yelp and holler like the man is packing an electric salami if, for example, the man has just given her a new necklace.

A study done was done in 1977 by the Reproductive Biology Research Foundation at the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Washington University in St. Louis where they recorded some of the first laboratory data on the anatomy and physiology of human sexual response based on direct observation of 382 women. Their findings on the nature of female sexual arousal and orgasm would have dispelled many long standing misconceptions had not the National Organization of Women (NOW) stepped in and made sure that everyone at the RBRF clammed up (any non-linear free association you make between clam and vagina is entirely your own doing). Somewhere tucked safely in a vault in Missouri is proof that females can’t have orgasms.

It’s more diabolical that it might seem on the surface. It’s not just pure “if they have one I want one jealousy” stuff. Ever wonder why Nancy Pelosi remains so influential despite the fact that she is obviously a sea-hag escaped from hell?  Whenever there is an important issue in front of her and she needs the support of women everywhere she will make a veiled threat about spilling the beans about the whole female orgasm thing if females don’t start playing ball (again with the double entendres). This is a big issue and yet men are just too preoccupied to see the conspiracy going on right beneath their noses (ok, that one I meant).

So my message is clear. Women, enough with the theatrics ok? I’m not handling out any Emmys… just lay there and take it like a wildebeest will you? And guys, don’t let your girl play with your head. Do like I do. Just get in, get out and plant the seeds of the next generation… hopefully one that doesn’t have to live under the dark tyranny of the female ‘orgasm.’