What was intended as a silly story about hitting a deer and having it stalk me ended up some melancholy exploration… https://t.co/pnaOCej3qj (21 hours ago)

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Feb
7

The One Where The Guy Gets Three Wishes

Trevor thought he’d remembered some advice about never making a decision without sleeping on it.

So he did.

Big mistake.

You see, the previous day he’d had the good fortune of rubbing a particular lamp which resulted in a particular genie popping out and granting him three wishes. He asked if he had to make them then and there and the genie shook his bluish, slightly hazy head and informed him that there was no rush whatsoever and he’d always be listening, ready to grant the wishes, until all three were dished out.

Trevor thought he’d made a wise decision.

He had not.

“He who hesitates is lost” he muttered bitterly to himself.

You see, turns out that sometimes you can use up wishes when you sleep. He only found this out when the genie returned when he awoke to remind him he only had one wish left.

“What are you talking about?” the very surprised Trevor exclaimed.

“You used up two wishes last night. Don’t you remember?” the not-very-surprised genie exclaimed back.

“I did no such thing!” Trevor shouted.

“Did too” the genie said.

Then the genie went on to explain what his wishes had been. Trevor was not happy. Apparently the things you dream about aren’t always the kind of stuff that wishes are made of.

First, Trevor wished that every time he sneezed all the fingers on both his hand would suffer multiple breaks and fractures. The good news? He could heal them by playing piano. The genie imagined Trevor’s horribly mangled hands clawing at the ivories until they were repaired and it caused him to shudder involuntarily. Even for a genie who had seen it all this was a rough one.

“Who the fuck wishes for that?!” raged Trevor.

“Um….” Was all the genie could get out. He knew he still had to tell him what his second wish was. He was not looking forward to it. He reflected briefly on Trevor’s first wish, imagining him trying to bang out Piano Man while dressed like Elton John, the whole time screaming in agony. The image made him smile. His teeth were equally bluish and hazy. He wondered if Trevor even knew how to play piano.

“What was my second wish?” asked an impatient Trevor.

The genie began, knowing Trevor was not going to like it.

“You wished for a magic toaster. It’s in the kitchen.”

“What. Does. It. Do?” asked Trevor.

“Well… if you put in burnt toast it will pop out as bread again. Good as new.”

Trevor wondered what would happen if he wished that the genie’s head would explode into a billion pieces. His face was getting red. It was time for the genie to offer up a bright side.

“That’s not all! If you put anything damaged by fire into the toaster it will pop up repaired. Any at all… well, anything that will fit into the slot. Phones… credit cards… mail.”

Trevor did not take the bright side very well.

“That human subconscious is a real mystery huh?” offered the genie after an awkward pause. “What do you think it all means? Your hands. A toaster. Weird huh?”

Trevor remained quiet.

“I’d suggest you make your last wish before going to bed tonight” the genie said.

“You think?!” barked Trevor.

Finally he muttered “He who hesitates is lost” to himself (I told you he would).

He was going to add “Strike while the iron is hot” but he was afraid of saying anything involving striking and hot irons with the genie in earshot.

Filled with regret and still in the mood to mutter he muttered “I just wish I had made my wishes before I went to bed last night.”

So with a quick poof! that’s what happened.

And the three wishes were the usual stuff. Not even worth mentioning really.

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