the problem with bumping uglies with ugly uglies

(originally posted 4/5/2013)

As much as I applaud attractive people having sex with unattractive people I feel it’s only fair to warn them that if they engage in this unnatural behavior pregnancy will result.

Every time.

You see, what they don’t know is that ugly sperm is among the most powerful stuff in the universe when faced with the prospect of hooking up with a beautiful egg. It will find the egg and impregnate it and there’s fuck all you can do about. Normal condoms are useless. After ejaculation a few of them will belly up to the reservoir tip and make short work of punching through and letting the rest of their unsightly cohorts pour through. Unless the woman has a ceramic prophylactic handy the best advice I can offer is to throw some pottery on the guy’s dick and vacate the premises before his leg stops twitching otherwise that not-so-special-sauce is off to the races.

Obviously when the beautiful eggs catches sight of the ugly semen coming in hot it is going to beat a hasty retreat back up the Fallopian tube but take my word for it… by then it’s too late. Those ugly sperm will be on it like rabid hounds on a fox. She should consider herself lucky if she only ends up with triplets.

Same holds true for an ugly egg. If guys think that they can just pull out at the last second they are greatly underestimating the desire and resourcefulness of a repulsive ovum. Whether it’s on the leg or the back, the egg will hunt it down. Even if she swallows that ugly egg will find a few stragglers caught in the teeth or throat and then it’s game on. Before the guy even has a chance to change his name and move across the country she will be packing a litter of fertilizer buns in her poorly-groomed oven.

Health class in high school did a poor job of letting good-looking kids know what was lurking in the hearts, minds and trousers of ugly folks.

I think it would be helpful to create an app for iPhones that will show an attractive person what their potential kids will look like if they mate with an ugly person. I think it will have a profound impact on their decision to bang them or not bang them. At this point I would mention the 1974 movie It’s Alive as an example of what this app might show as an end result but I doubt anyone else has seen this little gem and I wouldn’t want to burden the reader, given the importance of this message, with cumbersome obscure references. While I’m busy not mentioning it let me also not suggest that an It’s Alive app showing beautiful people their potential offspring killing everyone in the delivery room might go a long way in throwing a little cold water on the enthusiastic suggestion from the troll hunched over next to them that they continue the evening at their place.

At the end of the day there’s a reason for everything in nature. Natural selection and all. Hot people stick with hot people, ugly people stick with ugly people and nobody gets hurt.

Particularly the brave men and women inside our nation’s delivery rooms.