https://t.co/AidetKYYhn (2 days ago)

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Aug
8

the shower incident

When someone of the opposite sex walks in while you’re in the shower it can cause one of 2 reactions. 1. You panic because they were not supposed to be in the bathroom while you are in the shower. What follows is a wild series of shouting and finding something to cover up your private parts. 2. You suck in your gut and strike a casual yet erotic pose in the hopes that the sight of your naked body will cause the female to suddenly feel the need to join you in the shower.

I recently discovered a 3rd option. Complete and total humiliation. This possibly caused by, and I’m just saying this hypothetically, the female walking in while you are singing “I’ve Got a Brand New Pair of Rollerskates (and You’ve Got a Brand New Key)”. Compounding the shame, again hypothetically I must make clear, you have shampoo in your hair so your eyes and shut tight and you are completely unaware of her presence. So not only do you continue singing said song, in a falsetto voice, but you continue marching around the shower twirling an imaginary umbrella. What an umbrella and rollerskates have to do with each other I’m not exactly sure. Every door of my house makes a loud creaking noise when it is opened except, of course, the door the bathroom. It’s like I live in a haunted house… most people expect bats to come flying out from behind the door after the prolonged and tortured sound the door makes opening. But nope, not the bathroom. It slides open like some futuristic door designed by NASA. I can only imagine her drinking in the sight of this spectacle. Did she or did she not make that little gag signifying that she almost threw up in her mouth? Why is the shower such a hotbed of unresolved musical conflicts?! Typically I have a CD player in the bathroom so I can actively control what I listen to and, by extension, sing in the shower. With the perfect acoustics I can’t be alone in viewing every shower as an opportunity to perform live in front of a stadium of screaming fans. I’ll even admit to burning my own shower CD. Many a time I’ve been forced by the appreciative masses into so many encores that I leave the shower all pruny and my dog is on the outside of the door convinced I’ve been in the midst of a 45 minute prison rape. AC/DC… Iron Maiden… Van Halen… my aquatic vocal gymnastics know no bounds! Occasionally I’ll slow things down and toss in a “In Your Eyes” so the crowd can use their lighters and I can practice my sexy shuffle and grind in case I ever need to whip them out in real life. But my CD player broke. It was either the humidity, my showers tend to run hot and long, or the machine hurled itself off the counter when I wasn’t looking. So I was left to my own devices to figure out what to sing. “I’ve Got a Brand New Pair of Rollerskates (and You’ve Got a Brand New Key)” apparently has been lurking inside my head since I was a small child. I don’t even remember hearing the song… I just know that I know it. What made it bubble to the surface at that exact moment, again hypothetically, is anyone’s guess. But what the fuck was the umbrella about?

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