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Apr
2

the terrible truth about National Have Sex With An Ugly Person Day

Today is the big day. National Have Sex With An Ugly Person Day. What does it mean?

I have no idea.

I guess you could make the case that it is an opportunity to discuss our obsession with physical beauty. In truth what we find attractive is completely dictated to us by larger outside forces and we accept it at face value. People Magazine and Victoria’s Secret and Maybelline sit down and decide what we will all find hot and we buy in. Why they want us to admire physical qualities that about 1% of us posses is beyond me but then again I have little idea of what fashion is all about in the first place. Emaciated runway models clamoring up and down runways in Paris and Milan wearing patio furniture, Zoot suits and parachute parts is a bit over my head. All I know is that they never actually have on anything you’d see a normal person wearing on the street and the end result is that 99% of us end up feeling worse about ourselves once all the flash bulbs are done going off.

But that’s not it. I wish it were. I wish I could say that was the point I had in coming up with it but it’s not.

Perhaps it’s just a continuation of April Fool’s Day except the prank is being played on natural selection. Get a beautiful person to sleep with an ugly person and for one day all the DNA in the world will clutch its chest, or instructions how to build a chest anyway, and object.

Is it about actually getting an ugly person laid?

Doubtful. Blogs and podcast interviews can only do so much. Nothing outside of chloroform, fame or money is going to get a model in bed with an ugly person. That is a sad reality.

Is it an opportunity to make fun of ugly people?

I hope not but I can never be sure about subconscious motivations. I laugh at fat jokes and ugly jokes so I’m sure somewhere in the original idea was the thought that some mean-spirited laughs could be had at others expense.

But aren’t the ugly people just as hypocritical for wanting to bang a model in the first place? Aren’t they guilty of falling prey to the same brainwashing that we accuse the beautiful people of?

Of course. Of course. No shit.

If you think I’m any different you’re kidding yourself. He doth protest too much. Rationalize it how you want, ugly people want to bang hot people and always will.

So again I ask … what’s the point of National Have Sex With An Ugly Person Day?

To try and sell books I guess. I didn’t really think it through. I write short stories that are intended to make the reader come up with their own unique ideas, why would this be any different? Make the holiday whatever you want it to be.

Just don’t expect me to have any helpful insights into it.

I’m happy to pimp it if it will enhance the Lance Manion brand but as far as making some powerful social statement … you got the wrong guy. And truthfully, I’m always the first to say that it makes no difference what it means to the empty-headed person pimping it anyway. It just comes down to the person reading or listening to it.

Will there be one next year?

Who knows. I think people like talking about it. Well, the 10 that know about it anyway.

The only way to end this honestly is to point out that to this day I would bang Molly Ringwald because she was in 16 Candles. That should muddy the waters enough for me to make a quick escape.

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