the ugly truth

I recently overheard a very pretty girl say the following to her equally pretty friend; “I actually thanked my mother for my high cheekbones. I got them from her.”

Take a moment to understand why you immediately dislike this person.

I did… and here’s what I came up with.

She would need to thank every one of her ancestors for the past five million years. That’s how long those cheekbones have been in the works.

Nobody will argue that attractive people have a leg up on the rest of us. Always have and always will (is that why you immediately disliked her?).

This being the case, why isn’t there more attention paid to making sure future generations are more attractive than we are? As a society we seem to be crashing around having babies with anyone that is willing, with little concern for what these kids and their kids and their kids are going to end up looking like.

As usual, I would rather light a candle than curse the darkness. What I suggest is rather simple; give everyone a rating. 1 though 10. This rating would take into consideration the geometric proportions of facial features such as the eyes, nose, lips and the distance between them, body mass index, chest-to-waist ratio (for men), and waist-to-hip ratio (for women). Once you have been given a rating you are legally bound to only have sex with people with that same rating.

Violating this statute will result in hard prison time, no doubt surrounded by a lot of 1-4s.

How, you might ask, does anyone ever have children more attractive than they are if they can only have sex with people equally attractive?

I’m going to forget you asked that because I don’t know.

But what I do know is the other law I would immediately pass if I suddenly found myself in a position of power; making it illegal to have sex in the dark.

You’d have to, at all times, be able to see exactly what and who you are doing. And none of that closing your eyes and imagining a much more attractive person stuff. I might even make it mandatory to have those Clockwork Orange Aversion Therapy contraptions keeping your eyes open for the duration of intercourse. You’ll know right away if your partner is in the mood for love if they walk in wearing their metal lid locks.

It goes without saying that only missionary position will be allowed.

Hardly the stuff of a successful Presidential campaign platform but I think society as a whole would thank me.

Maybe giving people numbers might be considered a little demeaning. Colors perhaps? Yeah, I think forcing people to wear the color of their attractiveness at all times would be much more humane.

Plus, if you were close on the attractiveness scale and wanted to bang a Purple than you’d be motivated to start jogging and run your ass out of Green.

We could even divide the country up into these colored zones.

Take a moment to understand why you now dislike me.

Aren’t we pretty much doing this stuff anyway? Isn’t the Ludovico Technique basically what every fashion magazine and TV show has been doing to us for decades, except instead of violence we have been trained to feel subtle nausea at anyone less attractive than us?

So don’t shoot the messenger just because I want to formalize the process. Make the unspoken spoken for fuck’s sake. Do you know how much simpler the bar scene or dating apps would be? No more buying drinks for someone that will never sleep with you.

“Is that what this is all about? Did the girl with the great cheekbones blow off your Blue ass Manion?”

I’m going to forget you asked that.

(Fucking stuck-up Reds)