“It was the length of his feather that tipped me off.” The man sat back, rubbed his chin and let the words hang in the air. They did. Like a morning fog on a river. Eventually the sun rose, burned off the mist and he continued.
“Although the guy was in a dark room and you could only make out his outline, the feather sticking up was clearly from a pigeon. A blue jay at best.” He rubbed his chin in a way that made it clear that he not only enjoyed the feeling of his fingers on his chin but the way his chin felt on his fingers. Having not shaved for two days only improved the experience.
“You see, first of all, the Indians of the Southwestern region, the Pueblos for instance, typically didn’t wear feathers in their hair like the Sioux. Similarly, the Pueblos performed rain dances because of the lack of rain as opposed to the Sioux who did them mostly to ward off evil spirits. Interestingly enough, there are nineteen Pueblos comprised of the Pueblos of Acoma, Laguna, Taos, Tesuque, Isleta, Picuris, um… Sandia, Jemez, San Ildefonso, Santa Ana, Santa Clara, Santo Domingo, San Felipe, the um… Nambe, Zuni, Ohkay Owingeh, Cochiti, Pojoaque, and last but not least the Pueblos of Zia.”
While everyone listening to the man found the topic of how he identified the fraudulent rain dancer fascinating, they braced themselves for what surely was to follow. Every time he paused it allowed me to wedge in some completely unnecessary and muddled imagery. This for example.
How could anyone listening to him know that someone, you, well… for now anyway, are reading this?
“You could argue that rain dances had no actual impact on the weather, but for the tribes that performed them, they were an important part of their culture. They were social events that brought people together and, particularly in the arid Southwest, gave them hope for a bountiful season.”
The man tried to continue but I invented a reason for him to pause so I could tell you more about him. Aren’t you curious if he is an Indian? Perhaps a cop? An Indian cop? Is he wearing the full rain dance gear or a cop uniform? Or a mix of both… and what does that even look like? Why did he get involved in the first place and who is it that is listening to his recap?
Is he married?
Is he handsome?
Does someone listening want to sleep with him?
“I believe traditions like the rain dance need to be protected and when I saw this shyster on television claiming to be a rain dancer, and then on top of that trashing the rain dance ritual as nothing but a way for local tribes to drum up a few tourists, I had to come forward.” Perhaps motivated by using the word “forward” he leaned forward ever so slightly for his closing statement on the matter, but in doing so caused his chair let out a groan. A low guttural groan. The groan of a thousand whores. A thousand whores who live and work on a planet that has only whores and johns and circles a dying sun.
If you’re anything like me, you find it impossible to believe that the people listening to the man’s story didn’t even hear the groan but that’s exactly what happened. Or didn’t happen.
“And that’s really it. I’m happy the program issued a retraction and gave an apology to its viewers.”