The Wisdom of Karl Pilkington (part 1 of 2)

“Jellyfish are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It’s more useful.”

“They keep saying that sea levels are rising an’ all this. It’s nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it’s because there’s too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.”

“I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.”

“I know who I am. Bloody hell, I’m getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, ‘cos if I’m not, I have no idea who I’m paying for.”

“I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go ‘Even though I’ve been enjoying it, I’ve had enough. Give us another book”

“There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin’ loudly goin’ on about “oh the baby’s lovely.” They said it’s got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn’t sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin’ it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don’t know her, there’s only so much you can say to a stranger. I don’t know what kept me from sayin’ it.”

“The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says – it’s only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to!”

“They do it in Thai restaurants in London. You ask for a drink, and it comes in a glass with loads of seaweed and pebbles in it like a scene from Finding Nemo.”

“it annoys me a bit how people like squirrels but not rats. at the end of the day they’re the same thing, except that squirrels have had a better upbringing.”

“I’ve always found cherubs a bit sinister. The idea of winged babies flying around with no nappies on seems like an accident waiting to happen. There would be shit everywhere. If I saw a cherub flying about in real life it would terrify me, whereas a Cyclops, which is another mythical being, wouldn’t scare me at all, as it’s just a bloke with one eye. He’d be registered disabled and get a decent parking space in today’s world.”

“Kids are like farts in that way. They never seem to bother the owner as much as they bother everyone else.”

“If something happened to Suzanne I don’t think I would want to go through with finding somebody else either. I’d feel quite lost without her. It would be like separating Siamese twins, as we’ve been through everything together. Which can also be handy, as my memory isn’t what it used to be, so I use hers as my back-up memory drive. Meeting someone new would be like getting a new phone. You have to start again, input all of your information into them while trying to get to know their functions.”

“I think happiness is a bit like a cake. If you have cake every single day of your life you’ll get sick of it. If you’re happy everyday, you’ll get sick of being happy… That’s a good saying actually. Happiness is like a cake. Have too much and you’ll get sick of it.”

“Honestly, all the trouble Noah went to saving the animals two by two and now we’re making handbags out of them.”

“I’ve tried counting sheep like everyone recommends, but what tends to happen is that my brain thinks it’s seen the same sheep twice and that messes up my count, and when I think there’s no more sheep to count, another three will come running along and startle me. Or just as I think I’ve finished counting, an elephant comes running in. By this point I’m wide awake.”

“Research shows that arranged marriages last longer, and I wonder if it’s down to the fact that it’s other people putting you together, like when a family member buys you a gift it’s not easy to throw it away, as there’s a chance they’ll come to visit and ask where it is and get upset when you say you’ve binned it.”

“One of my wisdom teeth is playing up. My dentist said it is known to happen with some people when they’re stressed. My teeth seem to know I’m stressed before I do. Maybe that’s why they’re called wisdom teeth.”