The Wisdom of Karl Pilkington (part 2 of 2)

“Most pirates had one eye, one leg and a hook for a hand. I don’t know why people feared them. If they were around today they’d be registered disabled and would be entitled to so many benefits they wouldn’t have to mess about looking for treasure chests.”

“People who are grumpy are usually like that for a reason, but no one ever thinks to find out if they have a right to be grumpy. Look at Grumpy in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. He’s got a reputation for being moody, but of course he’s grumpy, half his colleagues are bleeding useless. If I had to work with Dopey, Sleepy and Sneezy I’d be well pissed off too, especially with Happy standing there acting like everything is fine. I don’t know if anyone has ever done a study on each of the dwarfs’ work rate, but I’d put money on Grumpy being the most productive out of that lot.”

“If I was in charge of the dictionary I would have a right clear-out of words. Words like ‘necrophilia’ I’d get rid of. If someone has that (attraction to dead bodies), I’d make them say, ‘I fancy dead bodies’. Then, at least when they tell people, they might realise how mental it sounds rather than it being hidden in a posh word. And then they’ll stop having the problem. The fact that it has its own word makes it seem more acceptable.”

“Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. Unless it’s polio.”

“The doctor took the cup off me and set to inspecting the contents under a powerful microscope. It was weird seeing it on a computer screen. Sperm the size of tadpoles, all whizzing about like moths around a lightbulb. They looked like they were having a great time, but seeing them didn’t make me feel broody at all. I just found it odd to think I was one of them once. I suppose life was more simple back then, living inside a bollock, just zooming around with all your nameless relatives with no arguing, no stress, no complications. No matter who you are or where you’re from, we’re all the same at that point. People always say schooldays are the happiest days of your life, but I disagree. I think my happiest period was when I was a sperm. I still can’t believe I was the one that won the race to get to the egg. Out of millions of sperm how the hell did I win?! I won the toughest race going, where you get nothing for coming second, and yet I’ve never won a race since.”

“I’ve heard that we’re constantly shedding skin and it is totally replaced every seven years. So every seven years you’re a different person. That’s why people get the seven-year itch and stop getting on with their partner – it’s because they’re a different person.”

“Had a wee in the Amazon. Until Richard told me I should be careful because there are some tiny fish that can swim up from the water through my urine and into my knob! Is that how amazing the Amazon is? The fish in there would really rather live in my knob than the river.”

“I never believed me mam when she finished a story with ‘And they all lived happily ever after’. ‘No, they didn’t. I don’t believe it,’ I’d say. I prefered Humpty Dumpty – nice and short, and a realistic ending. He never hurt anyone, but he had a little accident and died. Shit happens. That’s life, innit.”

“The best thing about me is probably my eyes, but then I suppose my eyes would think that, as it’s them that are looking at them.”

“To be honest, today’s runners may as well go back to being nude as them Lycra pants they wear don’t really hide much, do they? It’s plain to see that if Usain Bolt went back to the old ways of running in the nude he would have an advantage getting over the finish line before anyone else.”

“There’s non-stop movie work for dwarves these days if they want it. I think it’s because a lot of people are watching movies on iPads – they fit on the screen better.”

“The ball sack is supposed to be wrinkly; they’re not bloody worry lines! I can’t believe there’s a machine that fixes this. I don’t even own an iron. Balls don’t need ironing! They’re like a shellsuit, they’re meant to be crease-looking. And anyway, I’ve sat on them most of the time, so they’d only get creased again. As for getting your arse bleached, I don’t know what to make out that. I couldn’t tell you what mine looks like. If you showed five photos of various anuses, I couldn’t pick mine out from a line-up. I never understood why barbers used to show me the back of my head in a mirror after a quick trim, so I certainly wouldn’t worry about the colour of my anus. I’d say if you’re worrying about the colour of your anus, things must be good, as you can’t have proper worries in your life.”

“You can get 5 million million atoms on the head of a pin”, it said. Atoms are dangerous enough – they are what makes the atomic bomb so powerful. So why store them on top of a dangerous sharp object like a pin? They’re asking for trouble.”