the Zeitlin effect

(originally posted 1/12/2020)

In Eastern Pennsylvania there are endless radio advertisements for a flooring company that feature their owner as a trusted adviser on all things related to carpeting, hardwood, vinyl and laminates. He is known as Norman the Floorman. He’s a bit of a celebrity.

The name of the character in the following story is also called Norman. To complicate matters, he is also in the flooring industry. To be clear though, he is NOT Norman the Floorman. He is Norman a floorman.

To further elaborate, he is a foreman.

I will not drag this out any further by putting those two words together to elicit a cheap chuckle. Mostly because I’m pretty confident you’ll do it anyway.

Norman looked up to see a very attractive woman about to sit down in the seat next to him. A welcome sight on any long flight. He could tell right away that she was not happy to be there. Her body language communicated that she was more than a bit apprehensive about flying.

Norman, a frequent flier, could not have been happier. Nothing endears a man to a woman more than offering comfort in times of distress. He saw this as his big chance.

As the plane taxied out to the runway he glanced down to see her hand clutching the armrest in a white-knuckled fashion.

“Did you know that it is far safer to fly from Point A to Point B than to drive? It is by far the safest form of transportation” he began.

The ridiculously attractive woman looked up at him and smiled. “I’m a nervous flier. A touch of aviophobia I’m afraid” was all she said.

“No worries at all. I’m here to talk through it.”

“Thank you” she relied appreciatively and gripped the armrest a little less intently. He offered her a piece of gum which she declined. “Helps your ears pop as you ascend”.

Upon take-off the plane rattled and shook a bit and Norman explained the physics behind what was going on, sprinkling in the word ‘lift’ when needed. There is always a little comfort to be found in the notion of horsepower. This despite the fact that horses don’t fly.

The stewardess made the usual announcements but the fasten-seat-belt sign remained on despite Norman’s prediction that it would be quickly doused.

The plane dropped sharply a few times and the woman next to him gasped and whimpered a little.

“Turbulence is no big deal. Think of it like a bumpy road. Like hitting a pot hole. Nothing to be concerned about. Happens all the time” he said, trying to keep eye contact. His demeanor continued to be that of a man on a relaxing walk through the park. Casual.

The plane shook a few more times, each vibration more violent.

Then, about ten rows in front of Norman and the pretty woman, a large section of the roof ripped off.

“You’d be surprised how many times this stuff happens” Norman continued nonplussed.

In front of them people were being sucked out of their seats and hurled into the yawning abyss. The noise of the wind and shearing metal grew deafening.

Norman began shouting “The pilot will probably have to turn back around and land the plane now. Sucks.”

That’s when the plane began to spin wildly, their stomachs dropping and their brains trying to deal with the increased G forces. Debris swirled around the cabin. Screaming and calling out pleas to their gods for mercy seemed to be the most popular activities among the passengers.

Norman and the beautiful woman watched in horror as one of the wings snapped off and went in search of the folks who had departed earlier via the hole in the roof.

“It’s hard… to… believe but… there have been…….. numerous people… survive falls… from much… greater…. heights than we…. no… doubt attained….. before………. this … slight…..hiccup” Normal screamed into the attractive woman’s ear.

During the shaking and rattling and whatnot the button on the top of her shirt had popped open and now Norman realized he had an unobstructed view of her upper boob.

The plane was tumbling towards the Earth in a complete free-fall at this point.

“I’m….Norman…..I’m…a………….floorman…………….but………………………………………………not………………………………..Norman…………………………………………………………………………………..the……………………………………………floorman…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….just………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………Norman………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………a………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………floorman………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………did……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………you………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………want………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………to………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………get……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………coffee…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………some……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………time?”

Before she could answer they hit the ground.