#FedEx https://t.co/T6f3xWuzbx (2 days ago)

news&updates

Nov
24

third wheel on fire

When you’ve got to churn out a blog every day you tend to worry about your own motives. When does writing become a chore? How do you know when you’re relating a sincere thought and when you’re just writing for shock value?

It’s hard.

Sometimes it’s just the opposite. Sometimes you’re holding something back because you’re not sure where it will lead but you know in your heart it will be nowhere good.

This topic straddles the line between both. Hold on, I swear I have no idea where this is going to go. I’m just going to start typing and hope for the best.

If you’re unfamiliar with Abby and Brittany Hensel they’re conjoined twins, each of whom has a separate head but share a single body. When I saw that they had a TV show I couldn’t help but watch. I went in, just being honest here, with the intention of making fun of them or their situation but after watching the show I felt my cynical heart thaw a little and I realized that they were pretty damn cool. I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything negative.

In fact, by the third show I was actually looking inward a little and wondering if I could find it within myself to bang them. That might sound fucked up but on some level it has to be a compliment because it was the last thing on my mind going into it. I realize that the body is only 16 but with two heads I think that makes them 32 so I was having no issues with that part of it.

I just wondered if I could find it hot.

Then I thought of something else.

And turned the channel. Fast. I just didn’t want to think about it.

I had hit the channel randomly and ended up not only going to one of my all-time favorite movies, Man on Fire, but my favorite scene in the movie. I wondered if this was somehow connected to Abby and Brittany which is why I mention it now. Rayburn (played by Christopher Walken) is being interviewed by a cop about the intentions of his friend Creasy (Denzel Washington). Both are amazing actors but together they were amazing.

Together.

… together…

I had to go back to Abby and Brittany. I had to go back and admit what I was thinking. Admit it to myself and try to find a way to live with what a completely horrible human being I am.

I wanted to date one of the heads and then cheat on her with the other head. I have no idea how it would work, I didn’t bother examining the physics of it, I just knew … KNEW … that I wanted to turn them against each other. I wanted these two heads to be fighting over me.

A man can be an artist … in anything, food, whatever. It depends on how good he is at it. Manion’s art is sex. He’s about to paint his masterpiece. I have nothing else to say.

I’m not sure which of them it is but I swear it looks like the body belongs to one of them and the other head just came along at the last minute and jumped aboard. It looks like a bad paper mache head you’d wear to a Halloween party. The fact that they can not only share the body and get along so well but step foot out of the house and mingle with the rest of us twisted bastards is just awe-inspiring to me. I would leap at the chance to hang out with them. The problem is that this thought, this terrible desire to be a third squeaky wheel would prevent me from actually doing it.

And what if I did do it? Don’t think for a second I couldn’t if I put my mind to it. Just for the record, I could have stuck in about a dozen “head” references but I’m trying to take the high road in describing my own personal highway to hell. I know I could seduce one of them. Make her feel like she’s the prettiest girl on the torso.

Talk her into things. Terrible things.

And then give her sister a little wink letting her know I was just using her sister to get to her.

And he’s gonna wish he never touched a hair on either of their heads.

I know I can’t score any points with you by telling you all the dumb jokes I could’ve made throughout this confession. I’m doomed and I know it. I finished rubbing one out to the twins (I did it! It was glorious!) and then made it back to Man on Fire just in time to listen to Una Palabra as the credits rolled.

 

A word does not say anything

And at the same time it hides everything

Just as the wind that hides the water

Like the flowers that mud hides.

 

A glance does not say anything

And at the same time it says everything

Like rain on your faces

Or an old treasure map

 

A truth does not say anything

And at the same time it hides everything

Like a bonfire that does not go out

Like a stone that is born dust.

 

If one day you need me, I will be nothing

And at the same time I will be everything

Because in your four eyes are my wings

And the shore where I drown,

Because in your four eyes are my wings

And the shore where I drown

like it, share it!

Join the discussion

*

Tales of Adventure with Nap Lapkin

Tales of Adventure with Nap Lapkin

Publication date: September 2019
Category: Humor

$10.00
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

neXt

neXt

Publication date: April 2019
Category: Humor

$10.70
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

What You Don’t Understand

What You Don’t Understand

Publication date: November 2015
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Song Between Her Legs

The Song Between Her Legs

Publication date: September 2014
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Ball Washer

The Ball Washer

Publication date: October 2012
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Homo Sayswhaticus

Homo Sayswhaticus

Publication date: May 2013
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

The Trembling Fist

The Trembling Fist

Publication date: November 2013
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
$2.99
ebook buy
 

Merciful Flush: The Lance Manion Blogs

Merciful Flush: The Lance Manion Blogs

Publication date: May 2012
Category: Humor

$9.99
paperback buy
Free
ebook download
 

Results May Vary: The Lance Manion Blogs

Results May Vary: The Lance Manion Blogs

Publication date: May 2012
Category: Humor

$9.95
paperback buy
$3.95
ebook buy