It wasn’t until I was watching Old School for the 100th time that it hit me what true courage was. There was a scene where Frank The Tank, masterfully portrayed by Will Ferrell, walks out onto his porch holding a blow-up doll and asks his friends which outfit he should adorn her with; nurse or cheerleader. There was no shame, there was no embarrassment … just a man asking advice on his sex toy. That’s when it really sank in.
I’ve never had sex with a doll. I’ve never even considered it. Why? Because I could never buy one. I remember in high school nearly passing out on my way to the counter with condoms. Those 30 feet seemed like a mile. A mile of passing by everybody I knew and anyone who had ever met my parents. I’m not sure why there wasn’t any pride involved, surely by buying condoms I was telling the world that I was getting some, right? But, no. Because it involved sex it was one of the most difficult purchases I would ever have to make. I can’t imagine walking into an adult bookstore, looking through their selection of products, and then tucking an inflatable doll under my arms and striding towards the counter. It is so far beyond my comprehension it’s like imaging landing a jetliner, doing open-heart surgery or enjoying a Paris Hilton interview. My few trips into adult bookstores were spent watching the other people in the adult bookstore and avoiding them watching me in the adult bookstore. The last thing I was going to do is look at any of the magazines and risk getting an erection in public.
Apparently, I’m a prude. Perhaps sex with an inflatable doll is awesome and I’ve been missing out on a whole dimension of satisfaction. It’s time to do some homework. Now keep in mind that because I Googled ‘sex toys’ I’m going to have to destroy my computer hard drive and switch internet service providers to cover my tracks when I’m done here. Anyone who thinks that the government isn’t tracking every perv that visits these websites is fooling themselves! If I had time I would have driven down to the library to do this but I’m afraid little 9 year old Sally would walk up behind me as I was scrolling through and I’d end up having to explain myself to the police … again.
OK, so far so good. I’ve pulled the blinds, unplugged the phone and locked all the doors. Hmmm … a vibrating anus. You don’t say. Rotating mouth action. Apparently there have been some major breakthroughs in the material they use as well. “Senso” … soft AND stretchy! Here’s one that has blonde horse hair, and I was worried about them not being realistic! Wait just a sec, they have some with painted fingernails. Real girls have painted fingernails! I’m almost sold. Now here is one with an air pump, it doesn’t really go into why, but I’m intrigued. For those with a mechanical fetish there’s one that comes with its own repair kit. That will save an embarrassing trip to hardware store! Hold on, hold everything … now I’m seeing something about a breakthrough called “cyber-skin” that feels even more like the real thing.
Then I found her. The Fatty Patty Doll. Large and in charge. Three colossal love holes. 4 feet 9 inches tall. 55 inch chest and a whopping 39 inch waist. Connected pouch-type vagina. Self esteem sold separately, just like college. The best part? They will mail her right to me. There’s no need to make the ‘walk of shame’ into the adult bookstore!
I hate to admit it, especially after you’ve been so patient reading all this, but I don’t think even if I had it with me right now I could bring myself to use it. Really. Maybe I AM a prude but I’m not sure I could bring myself to have sex with a doll. Even if I was alone I think I’d be too self-conscious. It might feel great and I may even be able to close my eyes and pretend to some degree, but I think that if I did achieve ‘lift off’ with my rubber partner that I would then have to blow my own head off as opposed to live the rest of my life knowing I mounted something that required batteries (and then had to clean it off/up/out). Is that wrong? What happens in the near future when there are sexy robots that appear completely realistic? Will I miss out on the fun because of some strange psychological hang-up? Probably, but am I the only one that sees the potential problems that come with ‘rotating mouth action’? Somehow that screams embarrassing trip the emergency room or at least the risk of severe abrasions where I’d least like to receive severe abrasions.
All I know is that soon Virtual Slut 2050 is around the corner and when that day comes Frank The Tank will be the first in line at Radio Shack to buy one. THAT, my friends, is true courage.