I am literally oozing with unbridled joy. Usually I am bridled but right now I am oozing in a way that even paper towels could not handle.
Why you ask?
Because someone told me a little tip for starting a fire and it actually worked. Now obviously I would be relatively pleased if I had something to help me get my fire going when I want one but this in itself could not flip the bridled to unbridled switch. What I’m so damn happy about is that something actually did what it said it was going to do.
The world seems to work overtime in keeping people’s joy safely bridled and nothing does this more effectively than advertising. Commercials are full of shit. It’s gotten so that when I watch TV I just assume everything that I see in an ad is a lie. Except of course the pharmaceutical ads where they are forced to tell the truth about side effects and list them in such a graphic and comprehensive fashion that I dare not take even an aspirin for a week after seeing one for fear my dick will come off in my hands and I will bleed uncontrollably from my rectum (if I’m lucky).
So when someone tells me something that works I’m almost dizzy with joy.
I remember a few years ago someone bought me a book filled with tips about how household products could be used for a variety of other helpful uses. Stuff like how to use deodorant to treat mosquito bites and hemorrhoid cream for cold sores and that type of stupid shit. I literally sat in front of a mirror for an hour wondering what it was about me that could possibly lead someone to the conclusion that I would want a book like that for a present and how I could prevent myself from ever sending out that vibe again.
The point being that none of it worked. I tried like a dozen of the stupid things with toothpaste and Coca Cola and Cherrios and corn oil and vinegar and every time I sat there wondering what it was about me that could possibly lead someone to the conclusion that I would want a book like that for a present.
Bottom line is none of it actually did what it said it would. Then out of the blue someone mentions that if you take the lint that you would otherwise throw away when you clean the dryer trap and put it in a used up toilet roll it would make a great little fire starter.
Now if you’re anything like me, and who isn’t, you get frustrated when you plop down good money for a fire starter and then you have to spend 10 minutes trying to get it lit so you can put it in with the wood to get the fire lit. The only job it has in the world is to start a fire! It was created specifically for the task and smells like a combination of gasoline and sawdust but there you sit huddled in front of the fire trying to get the fire starter started. So to say I went into this enterprise already motivated to embrace this lint-in-toilet-paper-roll endeavor is an understatement but at the same time I was cynical having endured putting peanut butter in my hair to try to remove the gum that was already there only to have a giant wad of peanut butter-scented gum remaining in my hair at the end of the operation.
My cynicism couldn’t have been more misplaced. The lint-in-toilet-paper-roll fire starter is brilliant! It bursts into flames at the slightest provocation and seems intent on setting everything within its reach alight as well. I literally cannot contain myself. I have already made a dozen of them and although the temperature outside is well above freezing, actually well above 50 if you want to know the truth, I insist on having a roaring fire going just to unbridledy enjoy the starting of it.
So here I sit in my shorts and tank top sweating profusely as my joy crashes around unbridled wondering what it is about me that could possibly lead someone to the conclusion that I would want a book about creative ways to use household products for a present.