uncomplicated vibrations

Technically speaking, the noises your stomach makes, called borborygmi, are normal intestinal sounds that occur during the digestive process. The smooth muscles that line the gut contract and squeeze food and gas through 30 feet of small intestine and large intestine. This process, called peristalsis, generates the sounds.

Personally, I believe that evolution also has a part to play in it. It alerts your mind to the fact your body is hungry and needs nourishment.

I also believe that it would be great if the penis did the same thing.

I picture a meeting at work interrupted by a long growl under the table. The person conducting the proceedings smirking and saying “Let’s take a break so we can… um… get that seen to.”

Once reassembled, the introduction of the new female marketing assistant is met with a literal cockcophony of gurglings and rumblings.

The pretty young assistant remembers when she was debating which blouse to wear earlier that morning and thinks to herself “I picked right.”

Now obviously I wrote this entire thing to introduce the word cockcophony. Every writer is trying to leave something behind and I believe this word is my best shot. We live in an age where stories about the penis are still considered a bit risqué, so I still have a window before such dissertations are commonplace.

Eventually even the most uptight amongst us will recognize that the penis is a big part our lives.

Even before the moment of birth, ultrasound scans sometimes show a male fetus with a fully formed erection, and it is common for a baby to be delivered sporting wood. What’s even more surprising is the erection that occurs moments after death. Also called “angel lust” or a terminal erection, it usually occurs after a hanging, a gunshot wound to the head, damage to major blood vessels, or poisoning.

If I only had one wish, it would be to enter and leave this world with a boner.

And while we’re on the topic, let’s clear up a few things. There is no correlation between the size of a man’s feet and his penis, nor is there a connection between the size of a flaccid penis and when it is fully erect. It’s science.

Sorry ladies. You’re just going to have to let the man go “all in” to find out the whole truth.

Although that whole truth is that the penis is actually longer than it looks. Half the length is housed inside the body. Armed with this knowledge I’ve been counting (and advertising) the entire “corpus cavernosum” and “corpus spongiosum” package for years.

Which only partially explains the disappointment my sexual partners have experienced over the years.

One final bit of information, which may or may not explain away the rest of my partner’s disappointment, is this; men have no control over when they ejaculate. This is because it does not involve the brain. The signal to ejaculate comes from the spinal ejaculation generator. This region in the spinal cord coordinates the necessary functions, NOT the brain.

Let me reiterate this once and for all… it wasn’t my fault baby. It’s my god damned spine.

If I ever deliver this story in front of an audience I would hope that at this point a few slow claps would gradually build into a throbbing cockophany of applause (and  would a few vaginal gurglings kill anyone?).