von trouble

I was thinking about the guy who perpetrated the shooting at the United States Holocaust Memorial  Museum back in 2009, the white supremacist killer James von Brunn, and isn’t it about time we all face up to some simple facts and take action? As unpleasant as it might be we can no longer afford to dance around the topic.

Anyone with the name von in their name needs to be immediately imprisoned.

There. I said it.

Manfred von Richthofen (Der rote Kampfflieger… i.e. the infamous Red Baron) was von. War criminals Joachim von Ribbentrop, Werner von Braun, Konstantin von Papen, Franz von Schirach,and Ludwig von Falkenhausen made war tribunal’s jobs very easy. They would just hear the name and if there was a von lurking in the middle they would bang their gavels and yell “Guilty!”. The castle owned by the von Frankenstein’s is synonymous with evil and is there anyone who doubts the wickedness of one Victor von Doom (aka Doctor Doom) after all of his run-ins with the Fantastic Four?

If you need any further proof I give you the inventor of the amplifier thermionic valve… one Robert von Lieben.

I’ll leave it to men smarter than I to figure out the details of rounding them all up but I don’t think can be any argument that they need be in some sort of penal colony or something.

The biggest problem, once the public has been made aware of the breadth and scope of the menace they represent, will be the sort of vigilantism that seems to be ingrained in our culture. The people at biggest risk?

Vans.

Those men and women with van in the middle of their names. I could easily see them being lumped in with the Vons (that’s what I call those with von in their name) and therefore persecuted when in fact it seems that Vans are the complete opposite of Vons.

Vincent van Gogh, Martin van Buren, John H. Van Vleck… the list goes on and on. Artists, President and physicists… hardly the crowd that would be caught dead with a Von. In fact, if you think about it Vans might be the anti-Vons. Were you aware that the Hindenburg was named after Paul von Hindenburg? Perhaps if it had been named after Paul van Hindenburg all those people would still be alive.

Makes you think huh?

Turns out there really is an Eddie Von Halen… and I have it on good authority that he is a shitty guitar player. I know right. Creepy.

Ironically Jean-Claude Von Damme is a really good actor but a horrible person who is very inflexible. The most damning bit of evidence I have is a quote from Max Von Sydow: “Most of the time, people who appear to be evil are really victims of evil deeds.” Sound like someone with something to hide to you? Me too.

So there it is. Irrefutable proof, delivered with an air-tight logic that both persuades and inspires, that all people who have a von in their name are up to no good and need to be incarcerated.

You’re welcome.