walking is not exercise

Let me be perfectly clear about this; walking is not exercise. Walking is how we get from Point A to Point B. Walking is for people who need exercise who don’t want to exercise. When fat people walk in full workout gear they are telling the world that they intend to get fatter. Much, much fatter.

Exercise would be if that fat person heard an ice cream truck leaving their subdivision and they spent thirty seconds jogging after it. In fact, communities everywhere would benefit if they just had an ice cream truck crawl through their neighborhoods without ever stopping. The ice cream truck would be the Pied Piper for fat people. Of course, they’d better notify the local seismologists beforehand so as not to send them into a tizzy. That needle would be bouncing.

As an aside, if a fat person is walking with headphones on you can bet dollars to donuts that they are listening to a podcast about cooking.

As an aside aside, the expression dollars to donuts loses a lot of its meaning when donuts now cost a dollar (nobody knows this better than fat people).

Walking is to exercise what lying on the floor is to sit ups. Too much sit and not enough ups.

If you don’t sweat, it’s not exercise.

So walk all you want fat people, but you’re not burning any calories. Might as well kill two birds with one stone and make your destination the graveyard so you can start picking out a plot.

If a gaggle of housewives want to walk around the neighborhood and gossip about everybody, I have zero issue with that. But don’t wear sweatbands and swing your arms like you’re working out. You’re not. You’re walking around gossiping about everybody. The last thing these ladies would do is sweat in front of each other. At the first sign of soaking armpits they would all convulse and gag, causing the offending party to tell them to quiet down as she “couldn’t hear herself think.” If it were a perfect universe I would be driving by at the exact moment this occurred and I could lean out the window and yell “Then how did you know to say that?!”

And just so we’re clear about what constitutes exercise, let me point out a few other things that aren’t exercise:

1. Watching exercise videos on your couch.
2. Eating (if your intention is to swallow what you are chewing)
3. Talking (A. even if it the topic is exercise-related, and B. even when leaning out of a window and yelling a particularly witty observation.)

I hope you found this informative and it will inspire you to actually exercise. Or at least stop wearing workout clothes when you walk.