we got a floater!

How fucked up is it being male? Let me tell you a story. A story so horrific it shames me to the core that it is 100% true. It haunts me to this very day. Hopefully it will answer many of the questions females sometimes have about men… and will make other men realize that it’s not just them.

This is how the male mind works. I don’t condone it. I don’t wish it upon my worst enemy but here it is in all its glory.

Back when I went to college I had these 3 female friends. They were all very petite. None stood taller than 5’5 and none tipped the scales at over 115. At this point I usually go into great detail about other features that define a female but in this case it’s not important to the story so I won’t mention their cute faces, tight abs or apple bottoms. Well actually the apple bottom part might come into play but I’ll leave it at that.

So anyway. One day I’m over their apartment, they lived off campus in a nice little 3 bedroom. We’re just hanging out playing cards, drinking a few beers and killing time. I get up to use the restroom… and here’s where the crap hit the fan… literally.

I walk in and see a floater in the toilet. What’s the big deal about that? It happens, no reason for me to remember it so many years later right?

It was a fucking log. It looked like a brown Coke can floating in the water. I’d never seen a turd with such girth. And here’s where the being male thing comes in. Not 2 seconds after I see this giant in the toilet my mind has come to one inescapable conclusion: one of my friends takes it up the ass.

I swear, it was the only reasonable explanation for shitzilla. One of these young ladies who I’d known for years must be getting it up the rear and, from Exhibit A bobbing around in the commode, fairly regularly. From a sizable partner at that.

I spent the rest of the afternoon looking each of them up and down… wondering. Which of them liked anal? Which of these seemingly tight asses was in fact capable of expelling what looked to be an entire Thanksgiving meal in one shot? Maybe they all did! Maybe I was sitting in the House of Anal and had no idea.

That is the male experience right there. Sneaking peeks at a girls (and a friends at that) ass to try to see if there were any clues to this backdoor mystery. That is what it is like to be a guy.

So I really did spend the days, weeks and months after that fateful afternoon dying to figure out which of these girls was the ’culprit’. Truth is they all shot up a full point of the ’hottie scale’. That’s after I saw a floater. They all went up in hotness because I saw a big dump.

Welcome to my life.

And no, I never found out which of the apple bottoms was responsible. Even drunk I couldn’t bring myself to ask.

Thinking back I bet she flushed but this fucking thing couldn’t get sucked down the first time. It was that big. It was like a dinosaur turd or something.

Really. A full point.