what if Jesus had been a woman?

How do I know God is a man? Not because when it came time to send down a piece of him to Earth it was a man, but because it wasn’t a woman.

Because he knew.

He built us for fuck’s sake. He did the wiring.

He knew what would happen if he sent down a hot lady. He knew that even as we listened and scribbled down notes on the various commandments and such, every man would be thinking to himself “God, I’d love to hit that.”

Imagine for one minute what it would be like to bang the creator of everything you see. Truly the Biggest of all Bangs. Allow yourself to actually picture it. The all-powerful, all-knowing entity credited for willing the entire universe into existence… on all fours. Breasts swaying underneath her like a Jersey cow.

“Sayeth unto me my name!”

I assume that Jesus came equipped with the requisite tackle, I’ve seen paintings where there is a decent-sized lump downstairs, so there’s no reason to believe that God wouldn’t send down his ‘daughter’ with a functioning vagina.

A holy vagina.

As in “Holy shit, I’m plowing God!”

And the best part about it is that God couldn’t say a word. He made us like this. If it were him, he’d be banging himself too.

… banging himself too… hmmm…

If God can do anything he certainly can create a human body that he’d want to sleep with. It stands to reason. I know I would totally bang a female version of myself, but would he… bang himself?

Wow… this Trinity stuff gets a little convoluted when you start thinking about a deity wanting to do all the nailing but without so much cross.  Just the fact that nailing is a double-entendre, let alone cross also meaning mad, gives you an idea of how much wiggle room there is in getting the green light to whack off to a female Jesus.

Let’s give her a name. It can’t be a stripper name. If she strolled in announcing that she was the light and the way and her name was Brandy I’m guessing that she wouldn’t get the kind of reaction she was shooting for.

Even shooting is a double-entendre. Writing a bible based on a female Jesus would be a minefield. Every Sunday everyone would gather at church just to have a good laugh.

Priest: “That’s what she said!” (Big laugh)

Congregation: “This priest is a riot.”

But back to her name. I think Karen would work. Maybe Brenda. Stern but with a little of that ol’ dirty librarian appeal.

Why do I assume a female Jesus/Brenda would be dirty? Because God is a man and he made her and he can’t help himself. Do I worry I’ll be struck down for saying such a thing? Hell no. God knows I’m just flesh and blood.

Women might be flesh and blood but somehow God put on “off” switch on their sexuality. Not so with us men. I know you think I’m kidding, but I truly believe that if I met the physical embodiment of God and it sat in an attractive female body I would hit on her.

Her: “Are you seeking eternal life?”

Me: “Well… sort of. I was hoping I could see your boobs. After that I’m open for suggestions.”

What man wouldn’t want a girlfriend who can whip up supper for him and 5,000 friends and turn water into wine whenever he’s feeling a little parched? She’d have one hell of a Tinder profile.

I imagine that her close disciples would all have to be gay, otherwise nothing would get done. With a female Jesus maybe the bible wouldn’t be so homophobic. I’m sure the last supper would have been held at a nicer place at the very least. Fancier drinks with fruit hanging off the chalices and such. Although the chances of a female Jesus being crucified would be pretty slim so maybe there wouldn’t have even been the need for one.

Maybe female Jesus would have lived into her sixties and invented Botox treatments two thousand years earlier than we did.

A gal has to stay looking good for her followers. Even if most of them just wanted to bang her.

All I’m saying is that it’s not a coincidence that Jesus was a dude. It’s the only way things would have worked out that didn’t end in another forty days and nights of rain. I bet even the lepers getting cured by a hot female Jesus would get a chubby when she laid hands on them.

Why would female Jesus/Brenda have to be hot in the first place?

Because it would be blasphemous to think otherwise. Follow the logic here; God created men in his image. Men like hot saviors.

Do I have to spell it out for you?

Let’s just thank God that Jesus was a male. Amen to that.