World War Zzzzz
(reprinted for yesterday’s DVD/On Demand release)
As the release date of this movie drew nearer I had a small knot in my stomach and here’s why; I loved the book. Loved it. After I was done bringing it everywhere I went just in the off chance I’d have a few minutes to quickly reread one of the stories it ended up next to my toilet, the highest praise a piece of literature can receive in my household, where I must have read every story an addition twenty times before it was ‘unseated’ and replaced by the Gilbert Gottfried book “Rubber Balls and Liquor.”
I mention the Gilbert book so you know right off the bat I’m not a movie reviewer by trade. I think it’s important that I go into this with no credibility whatsoever.
So why the knot?
Because as soon as I heard that Brad Pitt was going to be the star I worried that he’d have the same respect for the original source material as Will Smith had shown in “I Am Legend” and “I, Robot” … i.e. he wanted a good movie title and fuck the book.
Then I started to hear rumblings that it was going to be a ‘blockbuster’.
The knot tightened.
I knew I could never stop myself from seeing it though. Somewhere inside myself I guess I thought that with his dad’s money that perhaps Max Brooks (son of Mel) would keep some creative control and fight to see that his book wasn’t treated with the same respect a menstruating girl treats her tampon.
I was wrong. While it involved the same amount of blood, the rest of the movie screamed ‘Brad Pitt vehicle.’
Hollywood is fucked. Apparently Max grew up too close to it and has the same integrity as every other spoiled rich kid out there. The machine churns out the same cliché shit no matter what the subject matter is. Here you have a book about the dead coming back and eating the living and the survival of humanity itself hanging by a thread and screenwriter Matthew Michael Carnahan feels the need to include a scene where Brad Pitt survives a plane crash. You have flesh-eating undead to work with and you need to wedge in the stock plane crash scene that has been done a thousand times? There is no better way to sum up the complete crisis of originality in Hollywood than that pointless interlude. It didn’t exist in the book and it didn’t add to the plot of the movie but it was jammed in because it allowed them to have a few good action shots for the trailer.
Fuck you Matthew Michael Carnahan and double-fuck you Brad Pitt.
The movie glosses over almost everything that made the book interesting and replaces it with derivative action sequences right out of lame flicks like “2012” and “The Day After Tomorrow.” Everywhere Bard goes he’s the only one who manages to escape the tide of zombies. Each scene dumber than the next.
It was almost painful watching the bastardization of a genre so near and dear to my heart.
California should pass a law that no Hollywood A-lister is ever allowed to appear in any movie containing zombies or any other form of undead creature. If anyone should appreciate/protect soulless creatures mindlessly crashing around causing turmoil it should be Hollywood. Mr. Pitt didn’t care if the antagonists were zombies, terrorists or aliens, they were going to be treated in the same generic fashion.
Next time just give him a funny black friend who has authority issues or a sassy hot female partner and make the same shitty hero movie that you make every summer but leave my beloved zombies out of it.
You’ll note my restraint in not comparing the average moviegoer who eats this stupid shit up and allows Hollywood to keep cranking out garbage to the masses of brain-dead corpses who spent the movie chasing Brad Pitt around. It should be obvious enough.
If I were asked to give this movie a rating I would have to say zero stars and may anyone involved in the making of this travesty burn in hell.