wrong way

They never fucking listen.

It’s because I’m a sign I guess but you’d think given that everyone is always claiming to be “looking for a sign” or “waiting for a sign” that they’d be a little bit more open to the possibility that there might be an actual sign right in front of them.

Clearly this guy doesn’t know where he’s going. If only I was able to throw on a few exclamation points perhaps then he’d take me seriously.

Last night I had to sit here and watch an uptight young thing decide not to let her date come upstairs for coffee. Big mistake. He looked decent enough and if she keeps up this frigid demeanor she’s never going to find a man. I sat here all yellow with the word “Yield” as clear as day but she was too preoccupied with her own low self image. People come in so many shapes and sizes. Signs do as well but we have rules that govern our shapes and colors. You could take that as a blessing or a curse, depends on your outlook I guess.

It’s hard to be irrelevant though. I try and pretend that it doesn’t bother me but sometimes it does. Sometimes I wish I was just a “Slippery When Wet” posted somewhere out in the middle of nowhere. At least then I wouldn’t have to be ignored by such a large number of people. Granted, it’s nice not to have bullet holes riddling me so perhaps every location has its pros and cons. Still, being ignored blows.

Like when I witnessed that mugging last year. I was all “Stop” but it made no difference.

You know the old saying “The grass coming up through the cracks in the cement is always greener on the other side of the street?” Maybe it’s right and I’m just being silly. Not as silly as that week I got into a funk and remained a “Kangaroo Crossing” until the matter made it to the attention of the Department of Transportation and I had to quickly “Wrong Way” it back to normal or risk getting a talking to.

Again.

I mentioned the rules before. Like everything in the universe, we have them too. Otherwise you can be sure I’d be flashing rude messages and obscene pictures just to get some attention. You try sitting in one spot unappreciated for as many years as I have.

I guess every sign wishes that someone would look to them for advice. With all the dramas we’ve seen unfold right in front of us we’ve accumulated a pretty good amount of wisdom. How cool would it be for a small child to make his way out in front of me every morning and ask me questions? I could answer them to the best of my ability and we would bond and I would take a deep interest in his happiness. Through a series of “Wrong Turn” and “Danger Ahead” postings I could keep him from out of trouble, I could let him know when his girlfriend was ready with a quick “Merge,” help him with voting advice- “Keep Left” or “Stay Right,” and even warn him about that Mexican restaurant up the street with a well-timed symbol of a gas pump. I could be like some sort of metallic father figure and he could keep the rust off my edges.

Then before he was ready to leave for college he would steal out into the night with a set of tools and release me from this post then hang me up on his dorm room wall where we could face whatever lies before us.

Together.

I wouldn’t even mind it if he faced me the other way when he had female company over. I know he would glance up and try not to laugh as I quickly changed my shape over and over. He would know what I was saying.

He would be funny like that. He’d just know.

You know what drives me really nuts though? That stupid song.

Signs, Signs, Everywhere there’s signs.

Blocking out the scenery. Breaking my mind.

Do this! Don’t do that! Can’t you read the signs?

I swear, since the day I heard it it’s been going through my head every day for hours at a time. Annoying as balls. Blocking out the scenery? Says who?

So here I sit. This guy, you see him, the guy in the blue plaid jacket leading his family around in the hopeless attempt to find the museum, he’s lost and feeling stupid but it would never occur to him that I’m trying to be helpful. I know things between him and Mindy have been a little off lately but the idea of taking the family to see the exhibit on the human body was a great idea. But you know how he is, he didn’t want to take a few minutes and download directions like Mindy had suggested, feeling that he knows his way around the city pretty well and how hard could it be to find a giant building like the museum. This is his third lap around the block.

He assumed there would signs everywhere telling him where to go.

They always do.

There isn’t.

But there are signs if you’re looking for them.

I just realized that in my opening sentence I used the word “listen” instead of “see.” Talk about a red flag. A sign bemoaning the fact that nobody listens. Crazy talk right? Makes you wonder what other anthropomorphic traits I might be projecting upon myself.

I’d rather not go into it but I will say this about Mindy:

She.

Is.

A.

Piece.

Of.

Ass.